After watching the gruesome and leafy murder of beloved friend and garden-neighbor Basil, Oregano seems shockingly nonplussed. “I’m really not sure what I ought to be worried about,” says Oregano. “We all knew it was coming one day. But the rest of us,” Oregano motioned to Parsley and Cilantro. …

Whether it’s good or bad — happy, regretful, exhilarating, or peaceful or anything else — tomorrow is bound to turn out a certain way. — We can choose anything at any moment, but our options are limited. Even now, as I’m about to go to bed, there are a hundred different ways tomorrow could turn out. There are a thousand ways! A million! Dare I? A billion and four! A billion gazillion! Although there are…

Calling help desks. Lukewarm coffee. Lizards, scorpions and other arachnids. When you have a song stuck in your head but you don’t know what it’s called. Looking for parking in the city. Standing on cold tile floors without socks. When the dentist tries to make conversation with you while they’ve…

People say shit a lot — and to be fair, there’s many, many different kinds. Sometimes, when this world is closing in on me, I like to think of another world: a world where these different types of shits are people in their own right; going day by day, with…

Lady Lydia stares out the cold glass panes of her study — its windows permanently dirtied by ambiguous grime which grows thicker towards the cobweb-claimed corners. Eyebrows raised high and thin lips squeezed tightly shut, she adjusts the deep blue sapphires of her necklace connected by a delicate gold band…

Prelude to a Pee Tale One of my pet peeves is when people say “I have to pee so bad I could pee my pants.” That’s a lie, isn’t it. They don’t understand. They don’t know what it’s like. What’s your highest Pees Per Day, your max PPD? Five? Are…

I want to figure this out like a math problem. Well what’s the problem? I am sitting down to hash out a problem that I’ve been working on for quite a long while. …

Not everybody’s born great: that much was clear to me when I first stepped into Ms. Polanco’s Kindergarten classroom. Even in the early days, you could tell who was going to be a somebody, and who was just going to be another regular-ass motherfucker. Jesse and Matt drew pretty A’s…

Congratulations! You’ve begun your quest for affordable therapy. There may be some challenges along the road: the doom scroll through therapists that charge hundreds of dollars, the tangled hell of health insurance plans and policies, the dreaded therapist-breakup (“it’s just not working for me”). But at the end of the…