Five Hobbies To Start Before Quarantine Ends
We’re all counting down the days until we get the vaccine — when we can all finally do things like hug strangers, smile at people in grocery stores, and blackout at some dingy disco club. You, me, my 67 year-old neighbor who always wants to have a beer and talk about high school and Bruce Springsteen.
All of us. At the club. Sharing Cheetos.
Because why the hell not.
But what if we’re not quite ready for that? It’s been a while since Tiger King. Remember when we thought we’d be out of it by summertime? Whether you are ready or not, the vaccine is on its way. So saddle up and start these five quarantine hobbies while you still have the chance.
1. Baking bread to prove you can
Recently a friend asked me what hobbies I took up in quarantine. My answer didn’t include bread baking, and my friend was angry and confused. This is your chance to be The Bread Sister of Sinking Creek. I don’t care if you don’t like bread, that’s not the point; I’m sure there’s some Jean Valjean chap you can save from forty years in jail or whatever. The point is, when someone asks about your quarantine hobbies, they really just want to talk about their sourdough crackers. So do yourself a favor and bake some bread. Be relatable dammit.
2. Screaming at walls
Totally acceptable now. We get it. We’ve all been there. But that time of understanding is coming to a close. Soon it’s just going to be you and crazy Ed screaming at walls. Get it out while you can.
3. Knitting
Otherwise this might happen to you:
You’re invited to a book club meeting at your friends apartment. As you climb the stairs, you realize the person who walked in with you is wearing a hand-knitted scarf. You ask about it. “It’s beautiful,” you say, because it is. (How did she get so many colors into it? Is it all one piece of yarn? How can one spool — is it called a spool? — of yarn be so many different colors?) You arrive at the party, and immediately, you notice that everyone is wearing something hand-knitted. When Charlene walks in with her beautiful hand-knitted scarf, everyone laughs and throws their head. “Of course!” They say. “Charleeeene” They say. They all chat about their various hand-knitted vestments while you ask to use to restroom. You had hoped to find a moment of solace, but instead, you find that everything in the bathroom is also hand-knitted: the decorative toilet cover, the hand towels. You look at the toilet paper. It’s hand-woven.
4. Writing Letters to your family
Seal the deal! Secure your spot as the most supportive family member during quarantine. This is the final countdown. Get in the game! So what if your brother kicked off quarantine by mailing everyone in the family a care package of cookies and candles? So what if, when everyone was losing their shit and also not worrying about the fact that quarantine might last a whole year, he wrote them individualized letters every week until June. He sputtered out. He ran out of steam. This is your time. Pull your family through the end of quarantine by writing them letters like you’re James Joyce. You’ll be the one they talk about at Thanksgiving next year.
5. Saying: “Put on your goddamn mask” to friends and also strangers
This is a habit you can get into during quarantine. Albeit aggressive, it’s more action-oriented than the former “Screaming at walls” habit, which is a good thing. After quarantine, however, this won’t make any sense. Say you’re at a party (because those exist), and your friend starts sharing his dream to quit his corporate job and start a career in interior design. Now you could say to him: “Put on your goddamn mask!” But instead of prompting him to pull up his grandma-saving-chinstrap, he’ll probably just change the subject and forget that lifelong dream altogether.
