How To Get An MRI And ACL Surgery Without Paying Your $8000 Deductible

Buy a radio and tune it to an ABBA-only radio station. Perform interpretive dance and ask for money.

Offer to write a poem for someone named Tristan coming out of Whole Foods.

Bribes: slip a $20 and a Burger King gift card to your radiologist. Ask him to pretend he never saw you there, but still do the MRI and send the images to your orthopedic — just “off” the record.

Complain loudly in a hospital waiting room until someone offers to figure this shit out for you.

Move to Portugal, pretend to not know about your shredded ACL, then re-enact injury in order to get treated over there.

Also Copenhagen.

Germany is a good bet for sure — but probably a one-timer.

Write an article that goes viral and then put a reference to your article in your article, but tell the reader not to keep reading your article while you are making the self-reference. Please (be insistent! and annoying!) — stop reading this shit-stream.

Move to Maine, befriend an elderly couple with millions. Cook them eggs, tend to their chickens, teach their grandchildren the lute — BECOME IRREPLACEABLE. Fake injury in their care. Be patient. You have to write it off first, as if it’s nothing: “No no, I’m fine. Just had a little slip the other day. I’m sure I’ll be better in a few days.” Incite worry, and then don’t get better in a few days.

Follow a rich business man around and gaslight him into thinking he’s your dad. We’re talking Buddy the Elf, but less seasonal. Bribe the DNA doctor with a Burger King gift card.

Build an MRI machine.

Learn how to do ACL surgery on your own knee. This guy did it with his appendicitis. Incredible story, actually — no joke. Be inspired. Learn. Operate. Become a legend.

Live-stream your DIY ACL surgery. In the case that it goes horribly wrong, there’s a chance it goes viral on YouTube or Twitch or whatever. Think that mimosa brunch girl with no teeth.

Steal books from a local, free-share community library and sell them back to used book stores.

Choose gods to worship. Make lamb sacrifices.

Commit arson.

Tweet creatively.

Become a priest.

Steal all the pews from a church and sell them anonymously on Craigslist back to the church. If/When you get caught, use it as an opportunity to form a pity-based relationship with the Church staff and/or go to jail.

Solve a rubix cube in front of people who might give you a good job. Make it look like it’s the first time you’ve ever tried it. Like you’re figuring it out on the fly. Like you’re Will Smith in the Pursuit of Happiness. Get hired. Get health coverage. Get surgery. BLAM! Fake your own death and don’t come into work.

Pay for surgery on credit, order a physical copy of your SSN and then burn it. Report that you lost your SSN. Repeat until the bill disappears into a government-sponsored wormhole.

Go to a vet. They do surgery’s all the time for Labrador Retriever ACL’s, and it’s basically the same thing.