I’m A Psychopath And These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things
3 min readDec 16, 2021
- Calling help desks.
- Lukewarm coffee.
- Lizards, scorpions and other arachnids.
- When you have a song stuck in your head but you don’t know what it’s called.
- Looking for parking in the city.
- Standing on cold tile floors without socks.
- When the dentist tries to make conversation with you while they’ve got all their metal tools up in your mouth.
- When the fire smoke keeps blowing in your face and you keep switching seats to avoid it, saying things like “Rabbit!” but it finds you anyway. Also? Murdering rabbits, because I’m a psychopath.
- Eating the bottom-cakey part of a cupcake and then throwing away the icing.
- Throwing the icing from the cakey part of a cupcake into the face of an eleven year old and then saying “Sorry I didn’t mean to!”
- Eating rocks.
- Looking for hidden treasures and never finding them because they never existed in the first place.
- Finding the last clue of a scavenger hunt before finding all the other clues.
- Finding the last clue of a scavenger hunt before any of the other kids find the clues to the scavenger hunt, and then throwing the last clue into a dumpster so that no one will be able to figure out how it ends.
- Burning ants under magnifying glasses.
- When it’s raining outside and also 40 degrees.
- When your office is so cold in the summer that you need to move your winter garb into a side closet so that you can be comfortable without wearing a ski jacket to work.
- When your friends join a movie when you’re halfway through and ask who every character is.
- Stealing candy from children under 5.
- When you take a bite out of a cookie and some of it breaks off and falls on the ground.
- The sound of nails on a chalkboard.
- The sound of nails on gravel.
- The sound of nails scraping against my neighbors brand new car.
- Eating nails.
- When you start singing a song and then someone else joins in but in a different key.
- Squeezing out the last little bit of toothpaste.
- First dates with absolute strangers where one of you immediately blows it and admits something super off-putting like “I’m a psychopath!” or “I’m just looking to settle down and have 3–5 kids in the next year or so” and then you both have to sit there for the rest of the date knowing it’s not going to work out, but pretending to be half-interested anyway and the waiter who’s bringing you drinks also knows that it’s not going to work out but they — for whatever reason — ask if you want another round and then you both look down at your drinks (which are still, depressingly, half-full) and say “No thank you” and also “Could we have the check?” which is awkward because it announces in a subtle but obvious way that this is not fun and you can tell the other couple at the bar is having more fun and probably playing that annoying game that couples who have been together for a while play where they’re like “I wonder how many dates they’ve been on” (in reference to you) and then you see the recognition in their eyes with the whole can-we-have-the-check-even-though-our-drinks-are-half-full situation and you can tell they’re like “Oh shit. It’s worse than we thought.” but your date still smiles at you briefly before looking down at their drink? I love that, because I’m a psychopath.
- Pigeons.
