Pampered Oregano Not Concerned After Watching Basil Be Puréed Into Pasta Sauce
After watching the gruesome and leafy murder of beloved friend and garden-neighbor Basil, Oregano seems shockingly nonplussed.
“I’m really not sure what I ought to be worried about,” says Oregano. “We all knew it was coming one day. But the rest of us,” Oregano motioned to Parsley and Cilantro. “We’re just houseplants.”
Oregano went on to explain how its thin leaves were much more delicate and interesting than the clear poster child of Jeff’s studio apartment: a thriving monstera that looked like it had been plucked right from the Small Mammal and Reptile House in the nearby zoo.
According to Parsely, Basil had been slowly pruned back for toppings on pasta as well as the occasional DiGiorno cheese. “Basil said it was a labor of love — pruning… but we all had ideas about what was really going on.”
Only Tuesday, Basil had been admired and complemented during a small “pre-game” of what were clearly new friends for Jeff. “It was clear they didn’t know what to talk about. One friend — acquaintance shall we say — asked Jeff if he was new to Chicago, and he had to let them know that he’d been living in the city for three years. Anyways, they were all over Basil: ‘He’s so beautiful! So busty!’”
Tensions rose among the plants in Jeff’s dingy one-bedroom apartment when he brought back a bag of pine nuts from Trader Joe’s. “We knew that could only mean one thing,” said Parsley. Needless to say, comments that once had Basil singing: “You’re so beautiful!,” “I could eat your right up,” and “I think we have enough” have since turned sour.
“I’m trying to make that pesto recipe,” Jeff said later that afternoon on the phone with his mom. “We were horrified,” said Oregano.
There was some hope among the plants that Jeff might not have the proper ingredients or kitchen appliances to make the pesto recipe.
According to the other plants in the apartment, Jeff’s mother — who was on speaker phone — insisted that the food processor was a crucial piece to making the pesto. “At that point we thought Basil was in the clear,” said Cilantro. “Jeff even moved the pine nuts into the fridge, which made sense to no one, but felt like a hopeful sign.”
Cilantro continues: “His mother kept saying ‘Jeff! Jeff! You really need a food processor. A regular blender won’t work. Trust me. I’ve tried it. It doesn’t blend nearly as well. What kind of blender do you have?’ To which Jeff said, he had an Oyster from Target, and his mom, oh boy, she was not happy about that. ‘That blender is so bad! That won’t work at all. How much — it’s like $30 dollars.’ She got really worked up about it.”
Jeff continued with his recipe, and the other plants watched in horror as Basil was stripped to the stem and splattered against the walls of the dismal blender from Target.
“He kept having to add water,” said Parsley, shaking the plant-part of it’s head. “‘It’s not working! Dammit!’ and Jeff would pour in another half cup of water. What a waste.”
Eventually, what once was a bright and beaming display of green became a watery, fully liquified pesto. Jeff took a picture of the pasta dish and posted on Instagram with the caption: “#PestoPerfect#Italian#MadeFromFreshBasil,” though he neglected to save the remnants of the pesto and emptied the leftovers into (one could only hope) a single-stream waste bin.
While Oregano is definitely not a houseplant, he may be safe for now. Our sources inform us that while Jeff is over 50% Italian, he has no idea how or when to include fresh Oregano in recipes.
