State Mottos: The Good, the Bad, and the one that was definitely made by the NRA
Indiana: The Crossroads of America
We know it’s bad. We’ll get you out of here as soon as we can. Sorry? Yeah no, it’s exclusively corn. Yep, that’s it. Just hang in there, we’ll get you to literally anywhere else as soon as we can.
Florida: In God We Trust
We are spaceships and old people, and we need a higher power to hold onto. Like all things, life and death are connected. Yin and yang. Sweet and sour. Tennis and our evaluation of self-worth. Life is finite, and everything from this world will soon pass. Like Nicholas II in 1917, we’re in God’s hands now.
Hawaii: Ua Mau ke Ea o ka ‘Āina i ka Pono
We are Hawaii, and also, please get the fuck out of Hawaii.
Alabama: We Dare Defend our Rights
And by “rights” we mean guns. And by “guns” we mostly mean AK-47s. How else are we supposed to secure state’s rights if not with guns? That’s why God invented the assault rifle. For freedom. Don’t worry, Sandy Hook probably wasn’t real. Just like this so called “world-wide pandemic.” It’s all a scam! You know what’s not a scam? The motives of the NRA. They (we) really just have everyone’s best interest at heart.
Kentucky: United We Stand, Divided We Fall
Alabama please — in the name of all things holy, cool your goddamn tits.
North Dakota: Liberty and Union Now and Forever, One and Inseparable
South Dakota and I? No we’ve never… Oh gosh no. The unitive act? State sex? To become one, united (legislative) body? Honestly I don’t think either of us has ever thought about it. Yeah we’re friends, for sure. But I’ve never thought of him that way. He’s like a brother to me. I’m sure he’d say the same.
Under God the People Rule: South Dakota
I worship North Dakota. She is my God, my Queen. She’s the Ariana Grande of states. God is a Woman, and Her name is North Dakota.
Mississippi: Virtute et armis
Also, Valar Morghulis. The only thing wrong with Game of Thrones was the lack of guns. And nudity. It honestly would have been a way better show with more guns and nudity. Jon Snow was only shirtless like one time. I mean, come on. Give the people what they want, Jon.
Louisiana: Union, Justice, and Confidence
Confidence! We wrestle with alligators. That takes confidence! We also built a thriving metropolis below sea level. Some call it “structurally irresponsible” or “a super bad idea.” But maybe its confidence!
Georgia: Wisdom, Justice, and Moderation
So, initially, we were going for ‘Wisdom, Justice, and Law’ but we got flagged for being ‘potentially racist.’ Above Alabama. So… we changed it.
Michigan: If You Seek a Pleasant Peninsula, Look About You
Hey you were thinking it, we were thinking it. Why not just say it. Get it out in the open. We’ve got a kick-ass peninsula. Is it a bit on the nose? Too forward? Yeah, you know what, it fucking is. But it’s what we got dammit. So cancel your glamping vacation to the Pacific Northwest and spend some time in Pure mother-fucking Michigan.
